This may be the realist post ever...

I was in the shower, you know trying to relax and have my 5 minutes of alone time before it is time to nurse Ezra again. Instead I was picking my husbands pubic hairs out of this fancy little shower mat I picked up from Home Goods for 10.99 that is suppose to massage and clean your feet. Yeah you read that all right but just incase you think you didn't go ahead and re-read it again, I'll wait....

So I stopped and thought to myself, is this really my life. My husband walked in with a slight attitude after coming home from work and I am already annoyed because this past weekend alone was the longest of my life. He got is wisdom teeth pulled and the world was over so the breaks that I would usually get I didn't cause he needed to nurse himself back to health(rolls eyes). Back to the shower though... I am 26 years old I have been married for almost 2 years and I have a 4 month old baby, but I can't help but to scroll through Instagram and be envious of the people who are single/married w/kids and traveling the world right now. I may never see the outside of this country while in my 20's because right now we got sh*t to handle. So instead I am home watching my 4month old, not working but working and loosing all sense of self.

This is my life...

I tried to enjoy my shower but I couldn't because I was so busy trying to find myself. At 26 yrs old I don't feel like I have accomplished anything. Yes I have an amazing husband with an attitude and a adorable 4month old that won't stop crying at times and I wouldn't trade them for anything but I am not happy with myself. I feel like the world is passing me by and I am just sitting on my couch, nursing my baby and broke wishing for a miracle check to pop up in the mail to help us make it through the next month. This is reality for me, and I thank God everyday for always meeting our needs but.. there is always a but...

Is this complaining, not at all its me being real. I find it helpful to write things out and read it back. Sometimes I don't feel like their are certain things I can talk to my husband about because I swear to him he thinks the toilets and bathrooms, and the home period self cleans. Its annoying and there are days I do not feel appreciated. There are days when I feel like a complete milk and sex machine and I am doing everything for everyone else and no one is doing anything for me. I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend... 24/7 sometimes I want to be surprised or celebrated.. but I guess thats what mothers day will be for right?

When people ask me how I like being a mom I honestly want to say sometimes I don't but then they will think I am a bad mother, you guys reading this probably are thinking omg I can't believe she said that. See the problem with people today is that if you are honest that means you are broken, but to me if you are honest that means you're strong. You aren't afraid of your truth. You guys think I want to be a stay at home mom, I sure don't I would like to work and help bring in more money into our household but we can't afford child care and I am not dropping my baby off with just anyone. As a mother you make sacrifices and others don't always understand those sacrifices or even see them.

I stopped working in 2014 and when I finally got a job in 2015 after relocating for my husbands job I was pregnant and couldn't do the job that I had wanted so bad and worked so hard building my resume to get and also a week after me getting the job my husband lost his. It hurt so bad to give up that job. I feel unsuccessful at times because I didn't graduate from college but who said success is measured by how many degrees you have? I sit at a table full of white women every other Friday and their husbands are doctors and engineers and they probably have been to Hawaii before and actually had a honeymoon. I haven't even had a honeymoon y'all, and I wish I had those white women's bank accounts. I sit at that table and smile and ask for prayer on my finances and feel less than because of it.

Honestly I don't know where I am going with this post but after reading it back to myself I know God has me here for a reason and if not for anything else but to right this post, I am satisfied. I am human and I go through daily struggles like every person in the world. I am thankful for this F*cked up but Blissful life I have. I am thankful for a group of strangers who follow my social media accounts and remind me to keep going. I am thankful for the set of friends I have that we laugh together over our lives and how F'd things can get. I am 26yrs old and tomorrow isn't promised but if I died tonight I would be okay because God didn't have to bring me this far, and though my husband has a attitude or my son won't stop crying and my bank account might have 5cents in it.... I am rich. I am rich in attitudes from my husband and soothing loud sounds of crying from my baby, a home that I prayed for but can't afford really but God makes a way, 2 cars that one is really working right now but thats one more than other people may have, baby poop stains and a shower anytime I have time to take one but thats a shower that one person may not ever get even if they have time. I am rich with love and the joy of God in my heart.

I will let you see this post for what it is, me complaining or having a mommy melt down, or maybe you think I am crazy or broken. To me I am strong and still working on my life and purpose. I am here for God and when I find my self in the shower picking out pubic hairs again out of that fancy shower mat I got from Home Goods for $10.99 I'll say that to myself as a reminder. I am here for God.

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  1. Girlllll!! you just gave me my whole life with this post. LOL I can relate 100% and this is life <3 If you need to talk or have a mommy vent I am here!!! :) Love this!!!!

  2. You are definitely not alone! I'm married and we have a 6 month old son and I'm a stay at home mom as well. One thing I do know is that God will provide for you and he may lead you to a job you can work from home if that's what you desire!

  3. Brit, this was a great post. I'm 4 years into marriage and am trepadatious about having a baby for these very reasons--lack of accomplishment and loss of self. Be encouraged though! You are purpose filled!!! Xo

  4. Don't be afraid to have a child the best part is even tho you feel like you have lost yourself it's because you really have you're a new person you just have to learn how to still make that time for the things you love and it helps when you have a supportive husband!

  5. I feel like this is me! Well the husband part since my baby isn't even born yet! Lol. I've always been worried about losing sense of self as a wife & mother. But it's so nice to know those feelings are normal. Us wives & mothers have to stick together and support each other cuz sometime those mens just don't get it.